The FarSmut Project
by InterNutter
Summary: Rated for naughtiness. Farscape meets South Park meets my feelthy little mind. Pilot becomes a sex-god. You have been warned.


[The FarSmut Project is inspired by way too much sugar and chocolate.  
Ideally, when finished, it will be a South-Park-esque style animation  
done on flash and given away over the internet for free]  
  
Disclaimer: This is a parody. Any relation between this and Farscape is  
purely co-incidental and intentional as all hell. Do not sue, as I make  
absolutely no money from this whatsoever. Unless you want to send me  
some :) All voices have been impersonated and effects bootlegged off the  
show, not that it does much for authenticity. This parody contains course  
language and, owing to its content, should not be viewed by anyone.  
  
FarSmut  
  
[Guitar Riff from the beginning of every South Park episode]  
[Int: Zhaan's quarters. She's meditating nekkid. Use a sound bite from  
the premiere. In the middle of her meditations, we hear a comm chime]  
  
Pilot: [Over comm, in pain] Zhaan, I'm in need of your assistance...  
  
Zhaan: [talks into comm badge] How can I help you, Pilot?  
  
Pilot: [same] One of the DRDs upset the coffee-pot Crichton installed  
and - it went all over me. Some - very sensitive areas have been -  
burned. Ow...  
  
Zhaan: [picks up clothes] I'm on my way.  
  
[Cut to Pilot's underside. Zhaan is towelling something above screen  
that we can't see. Her eyes widen as *something* happens. She keeps  
towelling, this time along something. It gets longer and Zhaan seems  
very pleased. Cut to Pilot's reaction]  
  
Zhaan: [off screen] Thank Kahlaan! My prayers have been answered at  
last!  
  
[Pilot looks very shocked. Then he looks - elevated :) Cue cheesy porn  
sound-track]  
  
Later... [Time elapsed riff from South Park]  
  
[Pilot's den. Enter Crichton. He fails to notice that Pilot looks  
extremely happy]  
  
Crichton: Yo, Pilot. Have you seen Zhaan? His royal pain-in-the-ass just  
got a boo-boo and wants her to make it better.  
  
[Pilot is out of it]  
  
Crichton: [waves hands in front of his face] Pilot?  
  
Pilot: Hm? What?  
  
Crichton: Do you know where Zhaan is?  
  
Zhaan: [Off screen] Oh! OH! Oh, Kahlaan!! YES!! [Continues similar  
noises during the following]  
  
Crichton: [Looks downwards. His jaw drops]  
  
Pilot: Heh heh heh hur... hur hur...  
  
[Cheesy porn music starts again]  
  
Crichton: That's it. I'm outta here.  
  
[Cut to int: rec room. Chiana and Aeryn are sitting around as Zhaan  
enters. Note: Zhaan is walking wobbly and has a HUGE grin on her face]  
  
Chiana: And just *where* have *you* been?  
  
[Zhaan flops down on a chair and nearly collapses]  
  
Zhaan: [DEEPLY pleased] I've been having a good time... ooooohhh... it  
was *nice*.  
  
Aeryn: More importantly, who have you had *that* much fun with?  
  
Chiana: Yeah! Lay the dirt on us, sister.  
  
Zhaan: [same] I was with Pilot.  
  
Chiana & Aeryn: *PILOT*?!  
  
Zhaan: Don't be so hasty to judge him. Just this morning, I found out he  
--[ her voice drops to an inaudible whisper, but Chiana and Aeryn hear  
and their eyes bug. Zhaan finishes with a measuring gesture]  
  
Chiana & Aeryn: [gasp]  
  
[Reaction shot. Aeryn picks up her pulse rifle and bashes it against her  
head. Chiana grabs a heavy object and does the same]  
  
Chiana & Aeryn: I - have been *SO* - *STUPID*!  
  
Chiana: If only I hadn't...  
  
Aeryn: If only I could...  
  
[They stop, and look at eachother. Do look-takes between the three  
girls. Eventually they all smile]  
  
[Cut to Pilot's den. It's a changed place, with a well-stocked bar along  
the shelves and a bubble-bath running inside the console. Pilot is  
mixing drinks as D'Argo enters]  
  
D'Argo: Pilot! What the *frell* do you think you're doing?  
  
Pilot: Having a bath... [he picks up four drinks with umbrellas in them]  
  
[SFX: splash. Zhaan emerges from the bubbles and takes a drink]  
  
Zhaan: Hi, D'Argo.  
  
D'Argo: [boggles, but seems cool] Zhaan.  
  
[SFX: splash. Aeryn emerges from the bubbles. She, too, takes a drink]  
  
Aeryn: Hi, D'Argo.  
  
D'Argo: [appalled] Aeryn! Crichton is going to be *pissed*!  
  
[SFX: splash. Chiana emerges from the bubbles and accepts a drink]  
  
Chiana: Hi, D'Argo.  
  
Pilot: Heh heh heh hur... hur hur...  
  
D'Argo: [pissed off] God damnit!  
  
[Cue cheesy porn music as D'Argo leaves.]  
  
D'Argo: [irritated] Yeem borsh neen ga hurn genish genu... Yeem ta da  
heen gada hurn bork, bork, bork...  
  
[Time elapsed riff from South Park. Int: apothecary. Crichton and D'Argo  
are working on something involving chemicals while Rygel looks on]  
  
D'Argo: Are you sure that's enough?  
  
Crichton: Trust me, D'Argo. One drop of this stuff in Pilot's dacquari  
and he'll have the wilts for a month. After this, the girls have got to  
come back to us.  
  
Rygel: I, for one, fail to see the point. Why bother fighting to keep  
what we can buy at any commerce planet?  
  
Crichton: [mixing test tube, which changes colour] You're only saying  
that because you're not getting any. [Hold's up the test tube] Hang on  
to your mivonks, pal. It's party time.  
  
[Pilot's den. Pilot is grinning as various girl's heads pop out of the  
bubbles before sinking back in. Cheesy porn soundtrack plays until Pilot  
drinks a coctail that's the same colour as the test tube potion. Cheesy  
porn music slows down.]  
  
Chiana: [emerges looking pissed off, grabs towel and slaps Pilot] Thanks  
for *nothing*.  
  
Aeryn: [Emerges, looking pissed off. Grabs a towel] My sentiments  
entirely, mister floppy.  
  
Zhaan: [Emerges] Hmf! [walks off in nothing but bubbles]  
  
Pilot: [looking extremely confused and sad] God damnit! [touches a  
control and the bath bubbles sink out of view. Pilot sighs]  
  
[SFX: Water down a drain]  
[Time elapsed riff from South Park. Fade into rec room. Zhaan, Chiana  
and Aeryn are sitting around and looking depressed]  
  
Chiana: So. Who do you want to do next?  
  
Aeryn: Next? We pissed off all the boys by doing it with Pilot. What  
makes you think that any of them would have us back *now*?  
  
Zhaan: The prospect of three on one, of course.  
  
[All grin]  
  
Aeryn: So, who do *you* want to do?  
  
Chiana: I always liked D'Argo...  
  
Zhaan: Why D'Argo?  
  
Chiana: Well, his tongue *does* stretch for a pace or so [gestures with  
hands]  
  
[All grin]  
[Cut to corridor. D'Argo is just visible as the camera zooms into him.  
Play sharky music from jaws]  
  
D'Argo: Ladies?  
  
[Cue cheesy porn music]  
[Cut to corridor as Crichton walks along. He looks into a door and is  
instantly angry]  
  
Crichton: God Damnit!  
  
D'Argo: [Off camera] Heh heh heh hur... hur hur...  
  
[Int: Apothecary. Crichton is mixing another wilty-whammy while Rygel  
looks on]  
  
Rygel: Trust me, my boy. A bottle of osan scent in the next port will  
have females just *hanging* off you. I swear by it.  
  
Crichton: The rest of us swear *at* it, buckwheat. That stuff stinks  
worse than a locker room at half-time.  
  
Rygel: Huh!  
  
Crichton: [hold up vial of whammy-coloured stuff] This is *all* I need.  
  
Rygel: [exits while muttering] I'll show the lot of you!  
  
[Time elapsed riff from South Park. The girls are once again sitting  
around and looking vexed]  
  
Aeryn: *This* frelling close.  
  
Zhaan: Thank you, but I do not need reminding.  
  
Chiana: Rrrr...  
  
[Enter Rygel followed by a trail of 'stink' and a beetle or two]  
  
Rygel: Ladies. I am at your - service.  
  
[All girls giggle]  
  
Chiana: So what did you see in the human, anyway?  
  
Aeryn: Crichton? He's amusing. And - inventive.  
  
Zhaan: Exactly - *how* - inventive.  
  
Aeryn: [whisper whisper whisper whisper]  
  
[All grin]  
[Cut to corridor. Crichton runs down it screaming. Followed closely by  
Zhaan, Aeryn and Chiana. As soon as they're all off screen, cue cheesy  
porn music. Cut to Rygel looking pissed off]  
  
Rygel: God damnit! [shooes away beetle]  
  
[Cut to int: apothecary. Rygel is mixing the wilty whammy and splashing  
himself with osan scent - which makes his stink cloud thicker]  
  
Rygel: I'll show them. I'll show them all. With this *and* this, I  
should have them *begging* to be my concubines...  
  
[beetles fly closer]  
  
Rygel: No, beetle! That's a *BAD* ship's beetle! That's *MY* osan scent!  
  
[Cut to int: rec room. Chiana, Aeryn and Zhaan are looking annoyed  
again]  
  
Aeryn: God damnit! The same thing happened to Crichton!  
  
Chiana: At least we can be thankful he knew other techniques...  
  
Zhaan: I know, but his heart wasn't in it. Poor creature.  
  
Chiana: All the same, I think trying to 'kick-start' him with that  
Delvian breath-holding technique was a little too much.  
  
Aeryn: Well it *worked*... Briefly.  
  
[Enter Crichton, walking wobbly]  
  
Crichton: [raw voiced] Hey... [collapses]  
  
Zhaan: Oh, my God! We killed Crichton!  
  
Chiana: We're *bastards*!  
  
Aeryn: [pokes Crichton with a pulse rifle. He twitches] Naw, he's still  
alive. Just shagged out.  
  
Zhaan & Chiana: Whew.  
  
[Enter Rygel, trailing a cloud of 'stink' and a dozen beetles]  
  
Rygel: Ladies. You may - service me.  
  
[Reaction shot. Even Crichton plugs his nose]  
  
Aeryn, Chiana & Zhaan: GYAAAAAAHHH! EEEWWWWWWW!  
  
Chiana: [plugged up] Whad the frell were you bathig id?  
  
Zhaan: [same] Badure?  
  
Aeryn: [same] Weeged old offal?  
  
Rygel: [annoyed] It's osan scent! My entire supply! I should be  
*irresistable* to you. [shooes beetle]  
  
Zhaan: [plugged up] Bud the odly beigs who lige id are the shib's  
beedles.  
  
[reaction shot. Cut to swarm of beetles]  
  
Rygel: No! No! Get them off me!  
  
[Cut to corridor. Rygel zooms through, followed by a swarm of beetles.  
As soon as they're off screen, cue cheesy porn music]  
  
Rygel: [Off screen] NOOOOOO!! God damniiiiiiitt...  
  
[Cut back to rec. room. All girls sigh.]  
  
Pilot: [clam shell] Excellent news, ladies. I've fully recovered.  
  
[reaction shot. Girls grin]  
  
Pilot: [waving drinks with umbrellas in] Come on in, the water's lovely.  
  
[cue cheesy porn music]  
  
[Time elapsed riff from South Park. Fade into Rec. room. D'Argo,  
Crichton and Rygel are drowning their sorrows]  
  
Rygel: Women. Ha!  
  
D'Argo: Fawning over that - that - *servicer*!  
  
Crichton: Just because he has a hot tub... What the frell do they see in  
him, anyway?  
  
Rygel: You mean you *don't* know?  
  
D'Argo: It's his [whisper whisper whisper whisper. Gesture]  
  
Crichton: God *damn* it! [sinks drink, pours another, sinks it, pours a  
third]  
  
Rygel: That's exactly how I reacted when I heard, too.  
  
D'Argo: Yeah. Lucky bastard.  
  
Crichton: [finishes current drink] Well, you know what they say. When  
you can't beat 'em, join 'em...  
  
[Reaction shot. Look exchange. All grin]  
[Cut to Pilot's den. The bubbles are back and Pilot is mixing drinks. He  
pours out seven while humming and laughing. Each of the crew surface,  
except Rygel]  
  
Crichton: This *has* to be the best idea I've ever had. [sips drink] You  
make an excellent Cosmo.  
  
Zhaan: I must say things have been - interesting; since I taught you all  
the Delvian breath-holding technique...  
  
All: Heh heh heh hur... hur hur...  
  
Chiana: Where's Rygel?  
  
Pilot: [grins. Looks - pleased] Heh heh. Hur hur hur...  
  
D'Argo: He's *not*...  
  
[Rygel surfaces, rubbing eyes]  
  
Rygel: Squag! I can't see a frelling thing down there. With whom did I  
just have the pleasure?  
  
Pilot: [grinning] Heh heh heh hur... hur hur...  
  
Rygel: God damnit!  
  
[Cue cheesy porn music. Cut to ext. Moya, rear. We can read a bumper  
sticker that says: "If this ship is rockin', don't come knockin'!" Roll  
credits, such as they are.] 


End file.
